Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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