Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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