Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
