You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
