Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
