I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
