I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
