I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
