When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Congratulations! We have a period
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