I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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