So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize