i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize