I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
