My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
