It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
