I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
