I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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