So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
what day is it and did you see me today?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
