You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize