VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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