and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
