did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
