I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
