There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
