two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize