everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
