my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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