is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
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