The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
