Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
