Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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