The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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