STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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