I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
