I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
