i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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