i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My vagina is officially offended.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
