Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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