and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
