I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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