I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
