I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
