Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
