Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
