Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
