I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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