btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
