I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
