I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
