I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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