I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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