I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
