meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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