I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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