I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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