What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize